Women’s Best Option: American Men

American men, with all their faults, are awesome when compared to non-American men. Sure, we tend to be fat and maybe we aren’t sexy, exotic or passionate. All things considered, though, we are clearly the superior choice. First off, we may be sexist, but we are less sexist than most men of other nationalities. When it comes to being treated as an equal with respect and liberty, women are pretty much limited to Americans, Canadians, Northern Europeans and Aussies. Can you find a non-sexist man in Latin America, the Middle East, Africa, East Asia and Southern Europe? Sure, but they will be in the minority. Chances are, going with the non-American will lead to a life of a cheating spouse or a wife-beater.

Now the second greatest quality of the American man is that he is normally circumcised. American men really do not get enough credit for this. For this alone, we should be thanked and European men should be shunned. Any time someone attempts to tell you that European or Latin American men are more romantic, you can reply, “you know what isn’t romantic? Shmegma.” This line can be easily altered to fill almost any complement of Europeans over Americans. Europe has more culture- you know what shows less culture? Europe is more cosmopolitan- you know what shouldn’t be cosmopolitan? Europe has more fair-trade food- you know what isn’t a fair trade? You name it and shmegma counters it.

With these two obvious pillars of American superiority, one may ask why 95% of the world’s women do not choose to pair themselves with American or American-like men. Obviously, location and language are huge factors. Nearly all people are limited to the choices around them, if they even have choices at all. Choosing your own mate is a very recent and predominately Western phenomenon. Other cultural barriers may be too much to overcome as well.

In other countries, there are women who do flock to the American man, but this is usually for financial reasons. In developed countries where money is less of a factor, there are groups of women who do prefer American men, but probably no more so than American women preferring non-American men in this country. These are people drawn to the “exotic” factor.

Ultimately, there are probably very few women who rationally choose American men over non-American men based on their kindness or cleanliness besides American women. Of course, American women grew up in America and, thus, are culturally biased. I imagine the majority of Saudi women or Korean women, despite living in cripplingly sexist societies, prefer their men to Americans and feel blessed to live where to do. But, that’s the weird bias of growing up somewhere. One prefers your one’s local team and one’s mother’s cooking. Maybe one can learn to ignore or even prefer sexism and shmegma.