The Competition

I spent this weekend at two large parties (one is Baltimore and one is DC) that involved a number of my friends and their significant others. Needless-to-say, there was “drama.” People talked, people bitched and people fought. For any individual, friends tend to not like mates and vise versa. I have come to understand quite clearly why.

I believe there are two types of love- conditional and unconditional. Unconditional love is what one feel towards one’s family. They can wrong one over and over and one still loves them because they are kin and basically extensions of one’s self. It is clearly possible to not like one’s family, but still love one’s family. Other love, romantic or between friends, is conditional. One participates in it because there is gain. Friends and significant others provide company, support, sympathy, entertainment, advice and economic benefit. It is unusual to earnestly dislike one’s friends or mate. If they wrong one enough to outweigh the gain they provide, one usually dump them and or stop speaking to them.

So, it is not surprising that the friends and the mate of an individual do not get along. Each of them is vying for the time and attention of an individual. Time and attentions lead to all of the benefits that friendship and partnership provide (company, support, sympathy, entertainment, advice and economic benefit).

Of course, most people are aware of this competition. It is rather famous and overly apparent in entertainment (i.e. Chasing Amy, Hootie and Blowfish songs, sitcom premises). So, in an attempt not to be selfish and petty, people lie to themselves and claim that the reason they dislike the other party is because of love. Only because they love an individual do they hate the freeloading and abusive other party. The old I-only-hate-because-I-love argument. Please. We’re selfish beings.

Think you, your friends or your significant other are immune to these feelings of jealousy and competition? Think again. It is no coincidence that significant other s that “hang out” are preferred over ones that don’t. It is no coincidence that significant others like friends that you rarely see over your good or local ones.

Man, I must have heard these lines each a dozen times this weekend (without the blah blahs):

Blah blah is crappy because s/he’s ignoring blah blah.
Blah blah doesn’t appreciate blah blah.
Blah blah spends all of blah blah’s money.
Blah blah is whipped by blah blah.
Blah blah is secretly gay and wants to be with blah blah.
I never see blah blah anymore because of blah blah.

Now, of course, there truly are some bad friends and mates for an individual, but recognition by the other party of them tends to be rare. The individual enters into relationships and continues them because of gain and enters by his or her own free will. It is unlikely that the relationship would not be to their advantage. If it were, it would end. People then bring up brainwashing, insecurity, people being pushovers and other fantastic theories. In the end the “wisdom” of the mate or friend is not very credible as they have interests. Its like Ford telling you that Chevy’s are bad trucks or vise versa.

Sadly, what complicates things is there is little one can do to make a situation better. Even if one chooses to not to be jealous or hate someone, the other party may still choose to be jealous and hate. People tend not to like people that do not like them, so hate spreads. Additionally, individuals are swayed by the words of their friends and mates. One can lose a friends or mate because others have conspired against you.

Sadly, only in a situation where all three people (the friend, the individual and the mate) are big people who are aware of their actions and feeling is there a possibility for harmony. Good luck.