The Myth of Just Being Oneself

Often in life and quite frequently with relationships, when people are indecisive about how to act or proceed, they are given the advice to “just be yourself.” The advice is not new; in Hamlet, Polonius (who was probably being played by Bill himself) famously tells his son, “this above all, to thine own self be true.”

Most of us understand, at least on a subconscious level, that this advice is, at worst, completely wrong and, at best, needs to be supplemented with some serious disclaimers. In truth, as individuals with Tourette syndrome show us, we can never completely be ourselves. Additionally, adding the word “just” in front of such a task is the equivalent of ordering someone to just fall asleep. You can do it if you don’t think about it, but you cannot if you do.

The advice of being oneself seems to be based on the occasionally positive result of being independent and self-confident. People are attracted to people that are driven and assured and the advice assumes these traits will come out. Additionally, the advice assumes that by acting like oneself, one will attract like-minded individuals who will appreciate the individual. It is also based on the negative results of acting phony. Putting up a front makes people seem dishonest, pretentious and unrelaxed. Each of these qualities would likely drive someone away.

But being oneself and being honest is incredibly complicated. Which aspect of one’s personality does one present out of the infinite possibilities? Is New Jersey a highway with trailers or is it a state with numerous national parks? If someone asked you about New Jersey, which facts would you present? Is a failure to mention its negative qualities lying?

And what about politeness? Changing one’s behavior to suit those around you is inherently a controlling of oneself. If someone loves the opera and their friend hates it, is the friend honest or do they bend the truth? How far is being disingenuous? Eddie Haskell level?

And what about displaying a knowledge of social norms and control? My father once interviewed a man and asked him why he went into medicine. The man responded that women ignored him when he was young and he wanted power and prestige. Though honest and perhaps the real reasoning for many doctors, the answer displayed a professional ineptness. When it comes down to it, social norms require lying in certain circumstances.

Also, being oneself actually assumes that oneself is a good thing. What if a person is boring or, worse, evil? Then, pretending to be someone else is an improvement. Additionally, we all should want to improve, thus resigning to completely being oneself rather than striving to be someone better goes against this idea.

Not to mention the fact that our personalities change dependant upon who is around us and we aren’t even sure who we are in the first place. The Ancient Greeks said “gnothi seauton” (know thyself).

And those clever Greeks knew what is was all about. We live in a world with complex social norms, language, laws and paths to success. We interact with others who have complex desires, thought and emotions. We have to weigh our goals, wants and principles against everything around us. Being ourselves is simply not always, if ever, an option. But that’s the price one pays when one enters into a relationship of any kind.

Crap, I can’t even write a blog of my own thoughts with audience of less than ten of my close friends without offending someone.