The Trials of an American Dilettante

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Understanding the Opposite Sex

Last week, I was taking the bus back from New York and was struck by what I saw next to me. I was sitting next to a rather thuggish looking black male, perhaps 19-years-old, reading a romance novel.

“What are you reading?” I asked in disbelief.
“Oh, this?” he said “I read these to understand women better.”
“Really?”
“No, no, it really helps in understanding how the female brain works.”

I then told him about this fellow I met in my travels:

When I was in Laos, I met this Canadian guy who assured me he knew two words that would lay any woman. Two words? Naturally, I didn’t believe him. I asked what they were, but he wouldn’t tell me. He said that if he revealed what the two words were so easily, I wouldn’t take them to heart. I asked him to tell me a few more times in that verbal arm-twisting sort of way (“aw, come on”), but he was tight lipped. I ran into him the next day and asked again, but he still wouldn’t tell me. I ran into him on a third day and only because he was leaving that day, he reluctantly revealed to me what they were. You are lucky I’m not as tenacious as this fellow; it certainly was annoying. Likewise, because I am revealing the two words so easily, you almost certainly will not take them to heart. Whatever, here goes.

Word #1: Wow
Word #2: Really

Yes, those were the words I had annoyed a man for three days to tell me. In those words, though, there comes a powerful message. People tend to think that if they tell others about themselves, people will become interested in them and connect with them. This is actually backwards. People connect with people who they think understand them which happens to be those who listen to them.

The Canadian man was wise, but he was off slightly since his idea was merely superficial. “Wow” and “really” were only pretending to listen. This may work in the short run (to get into someone’s pants), but in the long run, there must be genuine listening.

And so I told the young man on the bus that understanding women isn’t that difficult. All you have to do is ask questions and listen to them. They’re certainly willing to speak.

Of course, that was a complete lie. After countless hours of listening to women, I have no clue what they’re thinking. I just wanted the kid on the bus to stop wasting time reading romance novels.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Ironic Tiger, Vicarious Dragon

Humans, like many creatures, tend to surround themselves with a pack of like individuals that aid them and protect them through life. They are commonly known as “friends” and provide a number of functions like entertainment, advise, physical protection and economic opportunities. One of the greatest functions friends have is that of vicarious beings. When your friend succeeds, you feel you have succeeded.

My roommates, Soulless Hedonist and Coptic Chick Magnet, are taking the Foreign Service Exam today. This is something that I have failed twice, but I hope that one of my imagined kin can conquer this seemingly random crap shoot of an exercise and pass it. The probability is low, but we can hope.

Being in the Foreign Service has always been a dream of most of my DC friends, but the lame-ass test has prevented any of us from entering. We have advanced degrees in foreign policy, we’ve lived abroad, we speak foreign languages, but it makes no difference since the test doesn’t measure these things. It measures “diplomacy” by having you sit around a table and allocate money to projects in a group.

To add insult to injury, individuals who Coptic Chick Magnet calls some of the dumbest people on Earth have either passed the test or gotten in through less-than-noble back door channels. I wouldn’t necessary call these people the dumbest people on Earth, but they have the intelligence equivalent to a retarded orangutan. Last Saturday, CCM and SH ran into the queen of the Borneo bunch, who ironically, passed the test with flying colors.

Irony is the risk of vicarious living. When one empathizes and sympathizes with others, one generally expects justice. When incongruity exists between what is expected and what happens, one feels the bite. Is there any protection against this?

Well, it’s difficult. Even if one stops expecting justice in the world, one’s friends still do, thus their despair vicariously becomes your despair. Could you just choose happy friends who don’t care about the world? No, that would work either since happy people are rarely successful because they have no angst to drive them. Additionally, you would still see negative things happening to them and still feel pain even if they are happy slaves. No, the only way to possibly deal with the negative backlash of vicarious living is to try to dementedly laugh at your friend’s misery yet somehow embrace their success. Yes, I know, it’s tough, but it is the only way.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Being Rejected by both Women and God

My friend, Soulless Hedonist, was dumped again by his girlfriend and is stuck in the first of what think are three stages of rejection.

The first is hatred towards oneself along with denial. One feels like worthless scum and one just want the rejecter to take them back. Delusion exists about the relationship itself- “I was so happy. Maybe they’ll take me back once they realize their mistake…” The rejecter is great; the rejected is not; boo hoo, sniff, sniff, and all of that.

The second stage is hatred towards the rejecter. “How could they reject me?” Anger occurs along with the desire to randomly hook up with people. As a guy, my goal is to push my friends from stage one to stage two by insulting the rejecter as much as possible (i.e. “she has a fat ass”)

The third stage is enlightened neutrality. Feelings either way have passed and its time to move on to something more important and rewarding.

Now, rejection isn’t just about family, relationships and jobs, it seems to also exist in the world of spirituality. Tyler Durden once said:

“Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God? You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you.”

Now my father just worked all the time which would give me a lot more respect for God them I’ve given previously. None-the-less, much of mankind seems upset that their lives are not that great or feel guilty that they are that great and look to God for something or another. God, of course, probably being fictitious, or if not, not being very demonstrative does nothing in return. And so mankind, like Job, feels rejected. How does mankind react?

Well, many in society are in stage one. They claim that they are not worthy. They claim God is great. Thank you, thank you, for life, for air, for little Timmy’s T-ball game. They are also delusional about the relationship thinking God is guiding them and answering prayers.

Some are in stage two. They reject spirituality. Some make fun of it. Some call the spiritual freaks and reject the pursuit of it as a great waste of time. Others simply switch to hedonism to maximize they good time on Earth.

Then there’s the enlightened third stagers. They’ve gotten over the fact that there may be no God or if there is, he is not listening or not responding, and have moved on in life to more important things…

Like watching Angel, Season 5.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Personal Military Accounts

You know, I’ve been paying in the military my whole life and I realize that by the time I retire, they’ll be out of money and aggression. I will not get a single benefit from the defense department. I’m sick of the government making choices for me. I have the right to use the money I pay into the military in any way I choose. That’s why I’m advocating personal military accounts.

As we fix the military permanently, we must make it a better deal for younger citizenss by allowing them to set aside part of their payroll taxes in personal military accounts. The accounts would be voluntary. The money would go into a conservative mix of troops and equipment that would have the opportunity to train and invade at higher rate of success than anything the current system could provide

Here's why the personal accounts are a better deal. Your troops will train, over time, at a better rate than anything the current system can deliver -- and your account will provide defense over and above the protection you will receive from the defense department. In addition, you'll be able to pass along the troops that accumulates in your personal account, if you wish, to your children and -- or grandchildren. And best of all, the troops in the account are yours, and the government can never take it away.

The goal here is greater security, so we will set careful guidelines for personal military accounts. We'll make sure the accounts are a conservative mix of personnel and equipment. We'll make sure that your assets are not destroyed by hidden threats. We'll make sure there are good options to protect your troops from sudden enemy attacks. We'll make sure a personal military account cannot be used for attack all at once, but rather used over time, as an addition to traditional military protection. And we'll make sure this plan is fiscally responsible, by starting personal military accounts gradually, and raising the yearly limits on contributions over time, eventually permitting all workers to set aside four percentage points of their payroll taxes to buy forces for their accounts.

A young person who earns an average of $35,000 a year over his or her career would have nearly 10 troops saved in his or her own military account. And that battalion would act as a protection or invasion force to supplement that citizen’s traditional military force, or to pass on to his or her children. Best of all, it would replace the empty promises of the current system with real assets of ownership.
Americans hold dear the principles of liberty and freedom and I hope you Republicans and Libertarians will be with me on this idea.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Ugly Thoughts, Ugly Looks; Nice Thoughts, Nice Looks

So, I went to see Howard Dean last night at the Democracy for America meet-up. One thing struck me about the crowd: there were a lot of hotties. Sure, ugly was right and left as well, but the median person was looking pretty good.

Let’s face it. DC is not a good-looking town. In fact, this town is down right homely. It’s not West Virginia or Arkansas homely, but it’s not LA or NY either. In fact, of all the places I have ever lived, DC has to have the ugliest people (even Baltimore beats it out). So, seeing all of the attractive people last night was a bit odd.

Now, why at a Dean event? Are Democrats better looking than Republicans? Well, yes, they are, but why? Are beautiful people more likely to be charitable because they have so much already? Are beautiful people more likely to focus on inner beauty since they already have external beauty? Perhaps thoughts affect looks.

I’m reminded of the book “The Twits” by Roald Dahl. The story was about a very nasty couple that plays horrible pranks on each other. Dahl theorized that even with less-than-perfect and, indeed, even glaringly imperfect features, one can still be attractive if all one's life one has had nice thoughts. The nice thoughts will come through the face like "sunbeams". Ugly thoughts, on the other hand, according to Dahl, eventually fashion one's features into a deservedly ugly face. The Twits became an ugly duo from years and years of evil thoughts.

Now, Dahl theory is, of course, an exaggeration. Poor John Merrick never became handsome even with his gentle thoughts, but perhaps he would have looked even worse with evil ones. On the other side of things, the people that I know that do have evil thoughts do end up looking pretty damn ugly (i.e. Rush, O’Reilly, Coulter, Cheney). In fact, I don’t think I know anyone attractive from the far right.

In fact, all the arch-Republicans I know are straight-up bad looking. They are usually fat, pale and have a sour or pissed off look on their face (which is weird since they are in power). Years and years of hating women, homosexuals, minorities, logic, foreigners, Muslims, science, the poor and the government has apparently left them with permanent physical damage.

With all the time and money people put into getting surgery, putting on make-up and working out, they could invest in having nicer thought. Letting go of hatred and occasionally smiling improves looks much more than any boob job. Of course, all the ass men out there already agree me on this one.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Stable and Unstable Equilibriums

In case you’re not a sports fan or have been living under a rock free from the barrage of popular culture, let me say that the New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles will be playing in the Super Bowl on Sunday. Now, this year’s football season has been pretty interesting with teams like the Steelers and the Packers doing incredibly well and surprising people. In the end, though, the two teams that everyone thought would play each other before the first week are now playing each other. This year’s football season was a stable equilibrium.

A Marble in a Valley

Most things in life are stable equilibriums. You can try to hit that marble out of place, but like the boulder of Sisyphus, it will return to its resting place. Every day you get up and go to work. It takes a lot to disrupt that routine. A late train might divert you for a few minutes, a sickness might for a day, a vacation might for a week, but in the end, life brings you back to the job.

A Marble on a Hill

Often referred to as the Butterfly Effect, this is the idea that single moments can drastically affect the outcome of people’s lives. The marble is hit and it moves away from the resting place at a faster and faster rate. Though dwelled on extensively in time-traveling movies, there actually seems to be few of these in real life. What college you choose or meeting the woman you marry might be a couple, but, for the most part, very few choices in life have long-lasting effects. I might drink the last glass of milk in the carton today or maybe I will tomorrow, but in the end, it’ll be drunk and I’ll be going to the grocery store

A Marble on the Hill in the Valley

There was this great Superman comic I read once called Speeding Bullets in which a universe existed identical to the normal universe except for a single piece of dust in space. Superman’s rocket hits this piece of dust and it slows his trip just slightly. Over many light years, the difference is enough for the child Superman to not land on Kansas, but instead near Gotham City. The young boy in adopted not by Jonathon and Martha Kent, but by Thomas and Martha Wayne who raise him as Bruce Wayne. Once a young man, he walks down the alley with his parents, sees them murdered and becomes Batman…but with superpowers. Anyway, a bunch of other stuff happens including Lois Lane moving to Gotham and Lex Luther becoming the Joker, but in the end the events of the story lead Batman to realize that his powers cannot be used just for vengeance, but for good and he chooses to become Superman. The point being that no matter where the young Krytonian landed, he would become Superman. Based on what he was born with, he had a destiny.

Of course, none of us have such an important destiny as Superman. Still, our destinies may be set, some perhaps even from birth, because our valleys are far too deep to knock the marble out of. Perhaps that’s why so many people know where they’ll be in five years and why “the Up Series” seems to show kids growing into the adults we all expected them to be. The economist in me knows that over the long term, error terms go to zero. How amazingly frightening stability is.

On the bright side, valleys are escapable with enough foresight to see them and enough effort to rise from them. Still, even if we do escape various valleys in life, there’s still that one big inescapable valley of equalization at the end of life. King or pauper, all men come to the same ends.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Having a Tumor Removed and then Having it Put Back in Your Skull

Today, my mind is empty.

This isn’t empty in a bad way. I don’t have writer’s block and I don’t feel stupid. I don’t feel like I have Alzheimer’s and I don’t feel vacuous. My mind just feels at ease. You know, like lying on clean sheets naked after a good shit, shower and shave. The best word to describe my feeling is “flushed”. Yes, vacation has given my mind an enema and the horrid negative stress, hopelessness, insecurity, and hatred are gone…for the moment, at least.

I’ve been down this road before. You get back feeling well rested and soon things return to normal oh too quickly like a back pain after a massage or a fight with a girlfriend after making up. Soon, that feeling of I-just-fucking-had-a-vacation-and-I-feel-this-crappy will probably overtake me.

For now, though, I’ll enjoy the peace.

And it is peaceful. In fact, many times when one returns from a trip, one must catch up on all of the things that have changed since one has been gone. Luckily, nothing has changed (other than one of my major projects at work getting cancelled, Nepal’s king dissolving parliament and some meaningless election in Iraq). I was thinking I would have a pile of mail to go through, but I found only about forty pieces of junk mail in Outlook with nothing addressed specifically to me. While I was away, the world forgot about me, which is kind of nice, I suppose.

And that is the whole trick to inner peace (at least according to Buddha and Tyler Durden). The more things to care about, the more things to worry about. Achieving the things you desire is like trying to quench thirst with seawater. The things you own end up owning you. It’s only when you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.

When one limits their worldly possessions and activities, one becomes closer to enlightenment. The best way to limit them is to escape, travel or goof off.

So, congratulations. You're one step closer to hitting bottom.