The Trials of an American Dilettante

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Victims of Our Own Design

If one has taken any statistics, done any investing or done any gambling, one is familiar with short-term volatility and long-term trends. We know that the flip of a coin produces tails fifty percent of the time. Flip it only a few times, though, and the result may not be that close to fifty. Flip it a few more, it gets closer. Flip it several thousand times and you will be pretty much at fifty percent exactly. Observe my flipping:

Flip, Result, Percent of Time Tails, Error
#1 Tails 100% 50%
#2 Tails 100% 50%
#3 Tails 100% 50%
#4 Tails 100% 50%
#5 Heads 80% 30%
#6 Tails 83% 33%
#7 Tails 86% 36%
#8 Heads 75% 25%
#9 Tails 77% 27%
#10 Tails 80% 30%
#11 Heads 73% 23%
#12 Tails 75% 25%
#13 Tails 77% 27%
#14 Heads 71% 21%
#15 Tails 73% 23%
#16 Tails 75% 25%
#17 Heads 71% 21%
#18 Tails 72% 22%
#19 Heads 68% 18%
#20 Tail 70% 20%
#21 Heads 67% 17%
#22 Tails 68% 18%
#23 Heads 65% 15%
#24 Heads 63% 13%
#25 Heads 60% 10%

Quite clearly, as time goes on, our error term diminishes and our results get closer to our prediction of fifty percent. We know that inherent in the coin, there is a tendency for evenness. Luck exists in the short-term, but in the long term, it is fleeting and all that remains is the essence of the coin.

Just as we know the coin to produce tails one half of the time and a die to produce the number four one sixth of the time, we know what human actions produce in the long run as well. We know naivity is taken advantage of and sincerity leads to trust. We know kindness produces kindness and hatred consumes the self. We know the forgiving are surrounded by friends and the manipulative are left alone. With all of these traits, the word “eventually” follows.

Take Lear. From the beginning of the play, we know Lear will fall. How do we know? Because he is flawed. It may take several acts, but we know that Lear’s rashness will lead to his destruction because it is essence of who he is. The characters of the play attempt to blame other forces; Gloucester and Lear blame the gods while Edgar and Kent blame fortune. In the end, though, we know that they only have themselves, their actions and their natures to blame.

All well and good for coins and Shakespearean tragic heroes, but does this really apply to the real world? Some people are really lucky and unlucky, are they not? Some are born without legs while others are born millionaires. Did the essence of their character really lead to this fate? Probably not.

No one lives forever and no one can flip a coin for eternity. Even after twenty-five flips or years, there can be significant error. This world is filled with severally unlucky and lucky people. But if we flipped six billion coins twenty five times, quite a few would be all tails and quite a few all heads (in fact, roughly would 179 coins would hit tails 25 times).

The vast majority, though, remain close to their essence. When it comes to our own fate and our own happiness, it turns out to be our lives after all.

Friday, June 24, 2005

The Utility of Suffering

At a young age, we are taught in various ways that pain and suffering “build character”. How they do exactly, we do not know, but we see examples every day. We hear of how sparing the rod spoils the child. We admire the athlete’s tenacity to endure pain and strive for an otherwise pointless achievement. We listen with a hint of envy to the trials and tribulations of past generation. Despite the inherent contradiction, pain and suffering are good. Even God says so:

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” – Romans 5:3

But, of course, I question this. And so do many others. I came across an interview with Woody Allen today: http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/spiegel/0,1518,361905,00.html Allen said:

“There is nothing really redeeming about tragedy. Tragedy is tragic, and it's so painful that people try to twist it and say "it's terribly hard, but look we've achieved something, we've learned something." This is a weak attempt to find some kind of meaning in tragedy. But there is no meaning. There is no up-side. And suffering does not redeem anything; there is no positive message to learn from it. I have thought for a while that it would make a good story to look at two filmmakers, one who makes tragic films and one who makes comedies, to see who helps people more. The first argues that you come to his tragedy and he gives it to you so that you confront reality and you don't escape. And because you confront life, you learn to understand other people and you are more generous to them. The comic makes the movie and says "The world is terrible." So you walk into the cinema, sit there for two hours, hear a nice bit of music, have a laugh. It's like drinking a cold glass of water on a hot day. The argument can always be made that the comic filmmaker is doing the better service. In the end he is helping you more, you're okay for a little while longer.”

Allen clearly believes that there is nothing to be learned or gained from pain. He feels the best you can do is escape. Have a few laughs and enjoy life because that is all one can do in the ocean of suffering that is the world. In fact, I cannot think of piece of work Allen has done that does not intensely focus on this theme (except maybe Bananas and Casino Royale, but those don’t really count).

Now, if one takes Allen’s concept too far, though, one could just dope oneself up on alcohol or anti-depressants and deal with the world like that. And why not?

I also ran into an interview with Tom Cruise: http://www.drudgereport.com/flash3tc.htm

Rather than the world of pointless suffering that Allen speaks of, Cruise indirectly speaks of a world where there is no pointless suffering. The ultimate example of pointless suffering is a person that has some sort of mental disorder. On this, Cruise says:

“There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance”

“The antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways of vitamins and through exercise and various things. I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what-- what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, anti-psychotic drugs.”

“Where's the medical test? Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?”

Now, it is hard to believe that there are not truly crazy people out there with chemical imbalances. I run into several on my walk to work. No amount of light, exercise or vitamins is going to save them from being nuts and miserable. Still, Cruise is on to something. If misery is a symptom there is a problem. If we solve the problem, then progress has been made. This would imply that pain does have a function- it alerts us of a problem. From a biological perspective, that is exactly what “pain” is defined as- a detection of injury.

So, pain can have use and some pain probably does build character. Then again, I’ve met a lot of psychotic athletes who are boring as hell and have not gained anything other than dulling themselves to the world and giving themselves something to occupy their time with. I have also met plenty of old people that complain and complain about the pain they endure every day. And what about the truly crazy and miserable? This pain does seem pointless.

Every once in a while, I meet people that think middle school was fun. How on earth they can think the most painful part of a human being’s existence is fun is beyond me, but it happens. Not surprisingly, I find I cannot relate to these individuals and I usually cease speaking to them rather quickly.

Perhaps that is the purpose of seemingly pointless pain- empathy. Without shared experiences, we are alone. Pain is one of them, and a damn important one. Pain is gravity that brings people together. It tempers their actions and enhances their understanding of the world. A human without pain would fit in with his peers about as well as toothless lion with his pride. One needs it to function and to be normal.

(Of course, there a point where one experiences too much and one becomes depressing and weird and no one wants to talk to the person. That pain, I concede, is pointless.)

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Utter Shock of Humanity in Human Beings

Front-page news a yesterday told of Saddam Hussein’s love for Doritos and Raisin Bran. Saddam also made small talk with guards about marriage, politics and religion. Why is this news? I happen to also like Doritos and Raisin Bran; you did see this on the front page of New York Times. Oh, it’s because I’m not a deposed dictator, isn’t it? Still, is it so much of a shock that Saddam still has taste buds and a personality? Do people honestly believe that gassing Kurds and invading Kuwait would really take that away from him?

It seems many public figures lose their image of being human. Is it simply because they are in the public eye? Is it possible for someone so much larger than life to participate in pedestrian activity? Apparently, it’s just too much to believe that the movers and shakers of the world have to do all the normal every day activities that we do. Is this why watching Ozzy and Jessica Simpson’s daily lives is entertainment? Jessica burps? Ozzy worries about his dogs peeing on the carpet? Impossible!

Dr. Frank of the Mr. T Experience wrote:

Even Hitler had a girlfriend, who he could always call,
Who'd always be there for him in spite of all his faults,
He was the worst guy ever reviled and despised,
Even Hitler had a girlfriend so why can't I?
Life is full of contradictions hard to understand,
And for every happy woman there's a lonely man,
Nixon had his puppy, Charles Manson had his clan,
But God forbid that I get a girlfriend,
Even Hitler had a girlfriend who he could call his own
To sweeten days of bitterness and feeling all alone.
I'm not as bad as Hitler but it doesn't mean a thing
Since they'd rather be with Hitler more than me.

What is funny is admitting that Hitler did have a human life. He played with his dog, he had his woman, he ate breakfast, he took craps, he liked to paint, and he went to bed. And I bet he loved his dog and his girlfriend and his breakfast and his craps and his painting and his sleeping. Yes, it is true; the man who tried to conquer Europe and killed millions in death camps shaved, popped zits and wiped his ass like the rest of us.

Somehow it seems wrong saying that. Somehow admitting that there is some humanity in someone implies that there is all humanity in someone. Hitler couldn’t possibly be normal, one might think. After all, we are normal and we are not capable of doing what he did, are we? As I said before, I like Doritos. Am I capable of gassing Kurds?

As I pass bookstores, I see they are filled with biographies. Jack Welsh and Donald Trump’s life stories promise to tell of the secret of success. The story of John Adams and Alexander Hamilton tell of the noble lives of “great men”. Somehow by reading about these “great” figures, people figure they can determine what makes a man great. People are drawn to these stories and figures. Perhaps it is so they can emulate them and their experiences or perhaps it is just to learn about the order of the world.

I pose a different idea. What if there are no great humans? What if we are all merely plain humans? What if luck is major driving force in determining who will lead a nation and who will die anonymous and not personal choices? If there were no Pol Pot, there would have been another Cambodian ready to fill the void. If there were no Marten Luther King, there would have been another black American ready to fill the void. What if everyone is capable of being a Gandhi or a Stalin and luck and circumstance are the only driving forces? After all, these leaders are only human. I bet both Idi Amin and Mother Teresa liked sunsets and long walks on the beach.

Friday, June 17, 2005

The Mirage of Maturity

“I’m a thirty-year old boy”, said Jack. to Tyler

A few days ago I was at a happy hour and behind me was a table of fellows smoking cigars. As predicted by my friend and me, after a few minutes the cigars were only half smoked and the men looked sick. Why do people insist on doing things they clearly do not enjoy?

A day later, my friends and I went to get something to eat. We settled on Taco Bell and one of my friends grumbled. With meat, cheese and tortillas, it is hard to deny that a Taco Bell taco tastes good. Why do people insist on claiming they do not enjoy things that are clearly enjoyable?

Most would say that one needs to develop a “taste” for cigars and that people with “dignified taste” reject lesser foods like Taco Bell. I suppose I understand that if one does something over and over, it becomes less painful and more enjoyable. Whether it is skiing or bowling or eating vegetables, there is a period of discomfort associated with new experiences. Eventually, the body gets used to the new experience and even begins to enjoy them. Conversely, certain experiences, say Britney Spears’ music or eating at McDonald’s, has so much negativity associated with it, that the inherent enjoyment of it is neutralized by the psyche.

Sure, I get it, but this is all biological. There is still a social question of why we choose to make enjoyable things unenjoyable and unenjoyable things enjoyable. Why do men my age suddenly want to smoke cigars, play golf and drive BMWs when just a decade ago they wanted to smoke weed, play beer pong and drive Jeeps?

The answer is clearly the social pressure to become “mature”.

What is maturity, one may ask? Well, I came across this self-help guy, Dr.. Jerome Murray, PhD, who wrote this piece of crap: http://www.betteryou.com/maturity.htm

He basically says that the immature have volatile emotions, over-dependence on others, stimulation hunger and egocentricity. Dr. Murray is a tricky one, isn’t he? Let’s keep in mind that he is trying to sell books.

Yes, it is true that society associates the display of emotion, neediness, boredom and ego with the immature, but Murray’s sales technique is telling. He has recognized that all humans perceive themselves as “immature” by his definition. Can any of us say we are not emotional, needy, bored or egocentric? Perhaps our friends and a family would say otherwise, but everyone believes himself or herself to be immature. Preying on our insecurities, like all advertising, Murray promises to teach us maturity.

But Murray is not unique. Foie gras, opera, jazz and older lovers promise the same thing. Indulge in them and you will be mature, you will have progress of the self, you will be composed and you will be distinguished. Perhaps if one surrounds oneself with people and material objects that have grown and advanced, one will not be reminded that in the grand scheme of things, they are still that panicked, naïve, ignorant and insecure child.

The day we were born, we were frightened children. That is how we live and that is how we will die as well. There is nothing negative about this. In fact, it really just shows how large and awesome the universe is. So, save the money and avoid the cigar and the golf clubs; they won’t help.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Self-Awareness and Self-Actualization

Like Yossarian, I feel I am completely surrounded by insane people. I suppose it has always been this way. In school, there were the socially awkward, the insecure, the spazzy, the violent, the druggy, the slutty and the creepy. Everyone had their deficiencies, their disorders and their complexes and no one was “normal”. Over time, most of these people learned to solve or at least hide these problems or learned to structure their life in a way that these issues did not have a large impact on their well being.

I, like everyone, have weaknesses. Some I manage. I manage some by trying to actively change them (i.e. with my argumentativeness, I try to admit I am wrong and find compromises despite the burning desire inside me to hold my ground). I manage others by structuring my life around them (i.e. with my vulgarity, I really only talk to people that are vulgar as well).

Some I do not manage. With some I choose not to change (i.e. with my straight-forwardness, I tend to like it and it is just tough for anyone that does not like it). With others, I am just incapable of changing (i.e. I hate gum). After twenty-eight years on the planet, though, I am well aware of all of my mental “disorders”. They are, after all, part of me and I have spent a good deal of time with myself. The flaws that I do not manage have not impacted my life too severely. If they did, I may try to change them.

Once one enters the working world, personal problems are expected to have been dealt with. When office fights occur, people roll their eyes and say “have some professionalism” or “grow up”. At some point it one’s life, one should be aware of one’s weaknesses and should be able to manage them at least from the hours of 8:30 to 5:00.

So, at my age, it strikes me when I run into people with unmanaged deficiencies that do impact their lives severely. Are they unable to change? Are they unable to restructure their lives? Are they choosing not to change? Are they (gasp) unaware of the problem?

For instance, Soulless Hedonist works with an incredibly boring individual who keeps trying to engage him in conversations much to his displeasure. Is she unaware that she is boring? Is she aware, but is unable to help it? Is she aware, but does not care? Is she attempting to work on it? At least with this co-worker, she has basically structured her life around it by marrying a boring individual and participating in boring activities. Encounters with Soulless Hedonist are perhaps incidental in the grand scheme of things.

There are more glaring examples, though. What about Weakest Link’s girlfriend? Is she aware that she is condescending, not very bright and completely unfun? Is she unable to help it? Is she working on it? Is she structuring her life around it? While she has chosen to mostly hang out with other condescending, stupid and unfun people, there is the problem of Weakest Link himself. He is actually supportive, smart and fun. Is her goal to change him?

Maslow believed that human beings eventually seek “self-actualization”, that is, they have “the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming”. Said another way, it is in a human’s nature to attempt to improve the self, have spirituality, seek inner peace and reach their full potential. Maslow felt this happened only after the fulfillment of other, more basic needs relating to esteem, love, safety and physiology.

Though, I question whether Maslow’s “lower” needs can ever be fulfilled completely or in a ordinal manner, I do think that if one chooses to focus less on lower needs, there would be more time to focus on self-actualization. Ironically, in our modern world, it seems that focusing on Maslow’s final level would actually lead to greater fulfillment of the basic needs. The more self-aware, intelligent, moral and calm an individual, the more likely that individual is to be respected, loved and become successful monetarily.

Self-actualization seems to require an actual change to the self. Success in life and fulfillment of the more basic needs may only require management of the self. Management of the self definitely requires awareness of the self. Those unaware of the self and its deficiencies are all around us though. They are actually trying to so the exact opposite of what Maslow believes is human nature. They are attempting what I would call Other-Actualization. They are trying to change others around in hopes that the others will reach their potential of fulfilling them. I find this to be a futile and unenlightened way of going about things and I imagine so would Maslow.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Life: a zero sum game?

So my sister is married off and all of the work and stress that I had to endure involving helping her and my parents is finished (everyone, please forgive my lack of blogs). Thank God I only have one sister. I know my parents are thanking God they only have one daughter (and we’re all atheists!). All of the stories about the hell of wedding planning are true. I highly recommend eloping.

Because I am the social one, I had to entertain my numerous relatives in addition to all the lifting, carrying and organizing. So, late nights out in Baltimore drinking with cousins were followed my early mornings of helter skelter with my nuclear family. Morning Preston was very angry at night Preston.

I am traveling this evening for work and did not need to go in to the office so I slept in today.

Wow.

And I mean wow!

Yes, sleep can be better than sex.

A new man arose. Calm, collected, sharp and feelin’ good. This makes me wonder if all that sleep deprivation was worth the joy I am experiencing today in being well rested.

Is all the enjoyment in the world simply pain relief? There is an old joke about a man hitting his head against the wall and when asked why he is doing it, he responds “because it feels good when I stop”. This seems to be the case with a number joys. The pain of aching muscles precedes the joy of a massage. The pain of hunger precedes the joy of eating. The pain of horniness precedes the joy of sex. For each release, there is a built up of tension before it.

Now not all joy is simply of a payment for pain. There seems to be joy that is taken out on a loan as well. Running and jumping and all the fun one gets being physical will one day be matched by a day when one cannot move do to age. Love is matched by the inevitable end of love through abandonment, breakup or death. The beauty of the world will one day be replaced with a state of forgetfulness and confusion.

Ashes to ashes, indeed. In a quantitative sense, life does seem to be a zero sum game. We know that everything we will accumulate and gain in this world will one day be lost and that includes the material, mental and personal.

So, what is the point? Well, perhaps the point of life is not gain.

Every year summer comes and goes and winter comes and goes. It is predictable and equalizing just like life, love and death. And I like it. I like the change and I like the ups and downs even if I am Even Steven in the end. I know the ending, but it is interesting seeing how I will get there.

Kind of like Revenge of the Sith.